How not to make people feel welcome

We were invited to attend a special service at another church this past weekend. Due to services at our own church Bryan was not able to go, so Reese and I went alone. Let's just say it was not the most pleasant experience. I hope that I do not offend those that invited us, but I learned a lesson that needs to be passed on.

When we arrived, there was a man standing at the front door. A couple of families walked in before us and the man spoke to those people as they entered. After dragging my 21 month old and his bag of toys up the steps the man simply looked at us. Nothing pleasant, just a look. He did not open the door, he did not welcome us. I had the bag of toys in tow because there was no nursery. No nursery... this was strange to me being that this is a fairly large traditional church.

I don't know if you have ever tried to sit in church with a VERY active 21 month old little boy, but I know that I won't again and it didn't last very long. During the music we managed to remove all the hymnals and Bibles from the pew along with the offering envelopes. He ate all the snacks that I had brought (I felt a little uncomfortable even offering him snacks in this setting) and threw all the crayons. He figured out that the tile floor under the pews was sloped and that the crayons would roll down it. So much for the brand new box of crayons. It also didn't take long before he realized he could fit under the pew.

At that point I realized I was in over my head and we went into the lobby. We were joined in the lobby by a mom with an infant (maybe 3 or 4 months) who was also visiting. Reese quickly moved to the steps that lead to the balcony and the climbing commenced. He was not hurting anything and was being quiet. Soon the man from the front door joined us in the lobby. He seemed to be inspecting what we were doing and he loomed around with his stern face for quite some time. Again, he never smiled or spoke to us or the other mother in the lobby. It wasn't long before a dad and little girl joined us. This man was friendly and asked us our names and tried to get his daughter to play with Reese. Apparently they were regular attenders of the church. Soon the stern man reappeared and he began to talk with the nice gentleman.

Over the course of the service we were joined by two more women and two more children. That brings the total children to 5. These were visitors also. The stern man kept appearing in the lobby glaring at all of us never speaking to anyone except the church member.

At first I thought he must be disapproving of the fact that I appeared to be a single mother. Then I wondered if his attitude was because my child is bi-racial. Since he knew nothing about me the possibility of the erroneous judgement calls made me angry. It made me even angrier when he was so callous to the other visitors that had gathered around.

Near the end of the service the man opened the front door to check the weather and a rough looking gentleman was walking up the steps. He wasn't dressed nice or even clean and you could smell the smoke on him from yards away. I expected this man to get the same treatment I had gotten. Boy was I surprised when the stern man held the door for him and somewhat greeted him. They were apparently familiar with one another.

When the service was over I returned to the sanctuary to gather our things. Hardly anyone from the church even spoke to me except the people that invited me. There were many people there that I know and they did not speak. The guests that had come to lead the service were the friendliest people there and I already knew these people.

For a few moments I stood beside the pastor and his wife. I was waiting to speak to the family that had invited us. Neither of them spoke to us either, although they did smile and seem pleasant. Once I got to speak to the family we had come with I pointed out the stern man and asked who he was. I was quite shocked to hear that he is the associate pastor.

I learned some sure fire ways to turn people away from a church that night. 1. Offer no nursery so that you alienate a whole demographic of people. 2. Make those who don't know you have no nursery and bring small children feel ashamed and uncomfortable for showing up for church. 3. Make no effort to speak to new people. 4. Have an intimidating and unfriendly staff.

All I can say about this experience is that I am glad that I did not go there looking for a new church. If you are looking for a church, I would be glad to give you the names of a couple that will welcome you with open arms children or not!