Productivity seems to be my enemy lately. It seems like I get lazier and lazier everyday and I hate it! I would love to chalk it up to the natural aging process, but I am only 30 not 80. Honestly, sometimes I have no motivation to be productive. I would rather sit and watch TV or play computer games than anything else. I HATE, let me repeat, HATE that. There isn't enough time to waste.
Let me share just a bit of the evidence that I have become down right lazy. My house is always a wreck (really unnerving since I am a neat freak), there are about 6 or 8 unfinished projects at home (some have been unfinished for months), my quiet time is almost non existent, I have sat in one adult service since the beginning of Oct, and my prayer life stinks (it has become simply a wish list rather than a conversation).
It makes me sick to think of all the time that I waste everyday. If nothing else I could be exercising. That would help with my constant whining about my weight gain. Since I am so eager to sit on my behind, I could at least be reading my Bible or praying.
I know that this is no one's fault but my own. For several years I have longed for an accountability partner. I really do desire to have someone ask me the tough questions and challenge me. I need that. I desperately need that. At different times I have prayed for that and it never seems to happen. It is not clear to me if I am missing something, or if God is telling me to wait.
Being introverted, I think people think that I don't want to be approached. They may think that everything is ok and that I would let them know if I needed something. Unfortunately, that couldn't be more false. I am very independent and believe that I always have to appear strong and in control. This makes it nearly impossible for me to approach someone and be totally transparent about what is going on in my world. The fact that there is the holy stigma of a pastor's wife doesn't help either. I feel trapped!
Thankfully, I love to write and have always been able to express things on paper (or a computer screen) that I could never say. Usually, that never goes any further than the journal on my nightstand. This a huge step for me. Not only am I being transparent, I am putting it out there so that anyone with Internet access can read it (or at least the 20 or 30 people that read this blog regularly).
Some friends of ours just started a life group for us. They wanted to love on us. We have met only once due to the holidays, but we will meet this week. The group consists of Bryan and I and two other couples. One of these couples we have been close with for several years (we were in each others weddings) and the other couple we have known for about a year. There may be others that join us, but it is fine if they don't. I am comfortable with these girls and feel like I will be able to connect with them. Hopefully, this is that accountability that I have been praying for and I will find my motivation.
Please pray for me. I really do want to get past this. I want out of this season of life and I never want to be back here again. This is one season that I won't miss.
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