Have you ever felt desperate for change? I have often wanted things to be different, thought it would be nice or convenient. However, I don't think I have ever felt desperate for change... until now.
My life seems to be in this awful rut right now, it has been for months. I am tired of my life. Don't get me wrong, I am not depressed or suicidal or anything like that. I am simply sick and tired of the way that I have been living. There is so much more to this life than what I have been living out the last year. This is the most disconnected I have ever felt. My whole life seems to be in disarray. It is total chaos. My organized box has been thrown out the window and I don't know what to do.
It is hard to tell if this is God's way of showing me how far I have strayed, or if He is simply preparing me for something more. I desperately hope that He is preparing me for something more. Please give me more. I just want more! Somehow, right now I think that it is ok to expect and demand more from my life and everyone around me.
I am tired of this same old routine everyday. I am tired of expecting the same old thing. I need a change!!!
I want to be in a place where the people around me want more. It seems like I am surrounded by content people. They don't expect excellence, so they don't demand it either. The sad part is, I seem to have taken on their attitude and I hate it. I don't want to be content in my ministry. I don't want to be content in my personal walk. I don't want to be content in my marriage. I don't want to be content with the condition of my home. More than anything, I want to be close to my God again. I want to feel like I am with Him everyday and learning something new everyday. I want to be challenged by the people around me. I want to desire more!! I want to desire His best.
Bryan said one time that he often has to pray for the desire to desire more of God. That is where I am right now. I am desiring the desire for more, for the best, for His best.
Maybe God is preparing me for a big change. I hope He is, it can't come soon enough. Please God send me change. I realize that change has to begin with me and I can't control those around me. I can, however, pray that God would move me where He wants me and put those people in my path that will challenge me. I desperately want the accountability of others desiring excellence. Ok, so I also know, that God may want me to change right here where I am. A change of scenery would be nice though.
