Today is the 4th anniversary of the murder of Leslie Mazzara. Leslie was one of my best friends in high school . Leslie’s death was the last major event of the absolute hardest year of my life. That summer we made the transition into Bryan’s current position at Marathon. Any change in ministry leadership is tough, but this particular transition carried a lot more emotions and confusion than the typical change. We were so excited about the opportunity that God had given us, but at the same time we knew that the former pastor left with some hurt. Bryan officially came on staff August 1st. A week or so later, I resigned my position and accepted a new job that began September 1st. There was some tension that came with that because I had been working for my dad.
That October became the single worst month ever! October 11th my Granddaddy died very suddenly and unexpectedly from a heart attack. My Granddaddy was the single most important man in my life. He and my Grandmother raised me and I had a very special bond with them. I had never faced a loss like this. The day that we buried my Granddaddy , my pastor’s wife told us that one of our volunteers (he was a parent to one of our students) had been killed in a car accident that morning. The following week, one of our students was hospitalized for cutting her self. Her mother was in jail and she had no other family, so we were called to the hospital. We spent the whole night there with her and got her checked into a children’s treatment facility. Over the next few weeks, we would call and make visits to see her. We were also trying to make arrangements for her care after she was released. As if all that weren’t enough, I get the call that Leslie had been killed.
Needless to say, my world had totally been turned upside down. Four years later, I can look back on the madness, cry, and say that I have grown and learned a lot. I would like to share a few of those lessons with the hope that they might help someone else.
Lesson 1 & 2: I don’t have to be the strong one & Everyone needs to grieve.
I have always had this idea in my mind that I have to be a rock. Never let them see you sweat. Growing up in the situation that I did, I grew up really fast. It was necessary for me to grow up and face challenges like an adult even as a small child. This mindset made it really hard to grieve. I thought that I had to hold it all together. It was my job to single handedly hold my family together and to be the one that could handle all of this flawlessly. I needed to be strong and take care of everyone.
In front of everyone I put on a tough front. I was strong. Once I was alone, I fell apart. Thank goodness for my sweet Bryan. He would just hold me and let me get it all out. He never pushed, he was just there. It took a few weeks, but I finally realized as strong as I thought I was, I couldn’t do this on my own. Roy McCall, one of our pastors, was such a blessing. He did some counseling with me and helped me to see, that I couldn’t help anyone until I helped myself. The strongest thing I could do, was to face my feelings and grieve. Only after that, could I help my family or anyone else.
Lesson 3: Don’t take relationships for granted.
We never really think that something could happen to someone we love. Because of this, we often let circumstances and situations get the best of us. We hold back and don’t always follow those leadings that we get. I had not talked to my grandparents for several days when my Granddaddy died. That morning as I drove to work, I told myself that I needed to call them and make plans to come by after work. I’m sad to say, that I never made that call. Looking back, I can’t help but think that was the Lord’s way of giving me the opportunity to say goodbye.
In 9th and 10th grade, Leslie and I were inseparable. In 11th grade, Leslie started spending more and more time with some other friends and by our senior year, we were only together occasionally. We went to different colleges and chose different paths and gradually lost touch. Several years later, I saw her in the mall and chose not to speak for whatever reason. Through her death, I was reunited with several friends. Unfortunately, we have not all been that great about staying in touch.
I can’t focus on regrets, it doesn’t do any good, but I can look back and make changes for the future.
Lesson 4: (Probably the most important) Time really does heal all wounds.
In the midst of all of this and even months later, I thought that I would never heal. I honestly thought that I would continue to cry over every tiny thing and that I would always feel like my life was completely out of control. Every picture, every thought, every comment, I thought that I would never have another day without the deep pain, sadness, and crying. Life would never be the same again.
Well, I was right about one thing, life never would be the same again. But, it would go on and it would get easier. You can’t experience a major loss and not be changed by it. You can, however, choose not to be frozen by the loss. For many months I still struggled greatly with my emotions and processing the losses. Each year that has gone by has gotten a little easier. I haven’t forgotten about Granddaddy or Leslie, or any of the other life changes I experienced that year. I see my Granddaddy’s picture on my dresser everyday. I go into my Grandma’s house and see the chair that he sat in at the table. I see and hear things all the time that make me think of him. At first, I saw all of those things and I would think about how brokenhearted I was and how much I wished he hadn’t gone. It all reminded me of my loss.
Now, they remind me of my blessings. I see those things and I think of great memories I shared with him. I think about how lucky I was to have those 26 years with him. I think of how blessed I am to have been loved the longest (though my family may argue that I was loved the most). My Granddaddy was such a huge part of my life that it is hard not to be reminded of him everyday. Sometimes, like now, I still cry and I always miss him dearly. It is my job now to preserve those memories and remember what a blessing he was and still is to me!
How did I get to that point? A lot of time, a lot of prayer, a lot of support, and a wonderful suggestion by Roy. Roy encouraged me to write a letter to my Granddaddy and to Leslie. The letter was a way for me to say all the things I didn’t have a chance to before they passed. I could be totally honest and there was no fear of the response. This was a way to get closure, but also, to be able to articulate my feelings. I would suggest this to anyone facing a loss.
Healing is a continual process and I am still on the journey, but I now know that I don’t have to be on that journey alone. As a matter of fact, the more the better. After all, there is strength in numbers.
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