How not to make people feel welcome

We were invited to attend a special service at another church this past weekend. Due to services at our own church Bryan was not able to go, so Reese and I went alone. Let's just say it was not the most pleasant experience. I hope that I do not offend those that invited us, but I learned a lesson that needs to be passed on.

When we arrived, there was a man standing at the front door. A couple of families walked in before us and the man spoke to those people as they entered. After dragging my 21 month old and his bag of toys up the steps the man simply looked at us. Nothing pleasant, just a look. He did not open the door, he did not welcome us. I had the bag of toys in tow because there was no nursery. No nursery... this was strange to me being that this is a fairly large traditional church.

I don't know if you have ever tried to sit in church with a VERY active 21 month old little boy, but I know that I won't again and it didn't last very long. During the music we managed to remove all the hymnals and Bibles from the pew along with the offering envelopes. He ate all the snacks that I had brought (I felt a little uncomfortable even offering him snacks in this setting) and threw all the crayons. He figured out that the tile floor under the pews was sloped and that the crayons would roll down it. So much for the brand new box of crayons. It also didn't take long before he realized he could fit under the pew.

At that point I realized I was in over my head and we went into the lobby. We were joined in the lobby by a mom with an infant (maybe 3 or 4 months) who was also visiting. Reese quickly moved to the steps that lead to the balcony and the climbing commenced. He was not hurting anything and was being quiet. Soon the man from the front door joined us in the lobby. He seemed to be inspecting what we were doing and he loomed around with his stern face for quite some time. Again, he never smiled or spoke to us or the other mother in the lobby. It wasn't long before a dad and little girl joined us. This man was friendly and asked us our names and tried to get his daughter to play with Reese. Apparently they were regular attenders of the church. Soon the stern man reappeared and he began to talk with the nice gentleman.

Over the course of the service we were joined by two more women and two more children. That brings the total children to 5. These were visitors also. The stern man kept appearing in the lobby glaring at all of us never speaking to anyone except the church member.

At first I thought he must be disapproving of the fact that I appeared to be a single mother. Then I wondered if his attitude was because my child is bi-racial. Since he knew nothing about me the possibility of the erroneous judgement calls made me angry. It made me even angrier when he was so callous to the other visitors that had gathered around.

Near the end of the service the man opened the front door to check the weather and a rough looking gentleman was walking up the steps. He wasn't dressed nice or even clean and you could smell the smoke on him from yards away. I expected this man to get the same treatment I had gotten. Boy was I surprised when the stern man held the door for him and somewhat greeted him. They were apparently familiar with one another.

When the service was over I returned to the sanctuary to gather our things. Hardly anyone from the church even spoke to me except the people that invited me. There were many people there that I know and they did not speak. The guests that had come to lead the service were the friendliest people there and I already knew these people.

For a few moments I stood beside the pastor and his wife. I was waiting to speak to the family that had invited us. Neither of them spoke to us either, although they did smile and seem pleasant. Once I got to speak to the family we had come with I pointed out the stern man and asked who he was. I was quite shocked to hear that he is the associate pastor.

I learned some sure fire ways to turn people away from a church that night. 1. Offer no nursery so that you alienate a whole demographic of people. 2. Make those who don't know you have no nursery and bring small children feel ashamed and uncomfortable for showing up for church. 3. Make no effort to speak to new people. 4. Have an intimidating and unfriendly staff.

All I can say about this experience is that I am glad that I did not go there looking for a new church. If you are looking for a church, I would be glad to give you the names of a couple that will welcome you with open arms children or not!

Adoption Update

Our monthly home visit was last Friday. I realize that I never filled you in on what happened at our February visit, so this will update you on both months.

Our March 25th TPR date was thrown out. We think that this is due to the fact that our case was lumped together with another one against the same birth mother. The other child in the case has a known father and it appears that the father may have asked for time to work on getting his child back. There is no connection between Reese and this man, so this does not affect us other than slowing down our time line. (We don't know for sure that this is what changed the date, but with the info we have this is our best guess.)

Our adoption worker is/was pregnant and left on maternity leave this month (I am not sure if she has had the baby yet). Due to where we are in the process, we got a new case worker rather than a substitute. This was our first month with our new worker. In February, both ladies worked with us to make a smooth transition. Our new case worker was leaving us to go and sign adoption agreements with another family and said that she hoped to be doing that with us soon! After TPR that will be our next step. That means that foster care is out of the case and we are officially waiting for a finalization date.

The new TPR date is tentatively set for June 8th. Please pray for that date. Pray that we would go to court on that date and that the birth mother would choose to relinquish that date. If she chooses to relinquish (rather than the judge order her to be terminated) we can finalize almost immediately as this will cut out most of the paperwork we will have to wait for otherwise. We have no doubt that the judge will terminate her rights, but there is an appeal period we have to wait through among other things. There would be a minimum of 90 days after termination that we would have to wait. Realistically, it would probably be at least 120+ days.

She could relinquish at any time and does not have to wait until June. Please pray that she would realize what is best for her child and that the most loving thing is to make this easier so that we can all move on with our lives. We know that God is in control and that His hand is in all of this. We also know that he honors the prayers of his children, so please join us in praying!

I haven't disappeared, but my time has...

I know that I am really behind on blogging. For someone who is generally super organized and on top of things, my life has gotten a little overwhelming. My work schedule has been crazy and my little one has become more and more demanding of my time. He has given up his morning nap and is staying up later at night. All of that means that this Mom has very little down time or time to my self. My house is a DISASTER!!! I somewhat dread being in the house because it forces me to think about all that needs to be done (laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, scrubbing, etc.).

Reese thinks that if Mommy is awake and in the same location as him that she needs to be holding him. He wants all of my time and attention. Please don't think I am complaining, because I am not. I love holding him and snuggling with him. God is teaching me a lot, and I do mean A LOT!

I am learning how to let things go (for the moment) and to be ok with chaos (for a moment). My lists aren't getting checked off and that has to be ok for now. He needs my attention and I want to give it to him. No matter how frustrating it is at times, I have to stop checking my facebook, replying to emails, writing, cleaning, etc to spend those fleeting moments with him.

He will only be little once and he won't always think that Mommy's time is so valuable and precious. So, for now, please forgive me if you don't hear from me often. As much as I love writing, I have a greater purpose to serve. There is a little life that is being shaped by each moment that I devote to it and I am changing his world one little heartbeat at a time. May those moments be full of Jesus!

What is better than happiness

I always get excited to find other people that are passionate about adoption. Through friends and acquaintances, I have found many websites and blogs about adoption. Today I found a new one and it is definitely worth the read.

As parents we want the best for our children. What is "The Best"? I would hope that my idea of "the best" would look like Christ. This adoptive mom shares that hope and share it with her children. Please read her explanation to her children about her lack of concern for their happiness. It is well worth it! I don't want my kids to be happy!